


blood on your face, you big disgrace

by Ford_Ye_Fiji



Series: Whumptober 2020 [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Crack, Drabble, Gen, Help, Humor, Rated T bc Five curses, This was like warm up fic, five curses, five is unhinged, this was gonna be angsty and then ended up not?, tomorrow is gonna be really angsty though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 05:14:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26750050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ford_Ye_Fiji/pseuds/Ford_Ye_Fiji
Summary: Prompt one: ShackledThe aftermath of Five on a bender.
Series: Whumptober 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1947877
Comments: 17
Kudos: 211
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	blood on your face, you big disgrace

**Author's Note:**

> this isn’t as angsty as what is to come. I just didn’t have the heart to beat Five up on his own birthday ;w;

Five snarled, struggling and kicking, practically frothing at the mouth, "I will rip your entrails from your body and use them as a jump rope unless you let me go right now-“ 

Diego stared at his brother, "Uhhhh."

Patch raised an eyebrow, " _This_ is your brother?"

Five turned, noticing him for the first time, jerking his arms, the handcuffs jingling, "Diego! Diego these assholes took away my whiskey! They took it away and said I was too young to drink, but I’m fifty fucking eight years old and they won’t believe me-“ 

Diego licked his lips, "Ah. Five." He raised an eyebrow. 

Five snapped, " _What?_ "

Patch was watching them with folded arms and a skeptical eye. 

Diego laughed nervously. 

One of the officer’s holding Five's arm said nervously, "He's been like this for an hour. We picked him up at the library, um... inebriated." 

Five hiccuped. 

Patch studied him and then Diego before speaking, "He got picked up on a drunk and disorderly. I’m sure you’re here to take him back home and educate him on the disadvantages of underage drinking?"

Diego nodded earnestly, "Of course- absolutely."

Five's eyes narrowed, almost betrayed, "You _bastard_." 

Patch raised an eyebrow, "How old are you, kid?" 

Five seethed, "I am a fifty-eight! And I don’t care if you are Diego’s ex, if you call me a kid again, I will rend-“ 

Diego spoke over him, clearly trying to hide whatever murderous insanities his brother was saying, "He’s thirteen! He’s thirteen, you know how teenagers are." 

"Oh it’s _on_ , Diego-“ His hands glowed blue, fizzing and popping as Patch blinked, taking a step back. Nothing happened, however, and Five glared, " _Shit_." 

Diego laughed, crowing over his brother's failure, "Ha! And that’s what you get for drinking and driving old man!" 

Five snarled and then he jerked his arm out of the grip of one man, stomping on his foot. The officer stumbled back with a shout, as Five slammed his head into the second one, the man falling back against the wall. Five pulled the gun from the holster of the man still trying to catch his balance before shoving him backwards against the officer trying to get up. 

Five turned back around, the handcuffs jingling around his wrists, the gun pointed at his brother, "I'm not fucking around." 

Diego snorted, completely unfazed.

Patch gaped, reaching for her handgun and Five's eyes darted to her, lips curling, "Don't even try it, Patch."

She blinked with surpise and Five rolled his eyes, gesturing with his stolen gun, "You're Diego's ex- he doesn’t shut up about you. Now can we please move on? Keys now." 

Diego put his hands on his hips, clearly deeming the hostage situation as normal and frequent, which was more than worrisome, "Allison is gonna be so pissed at you, Five."

Studying Diego's nonchalance, Patch nodded to the two men behind Five who handed the keys over carefully. Five snatched them with a dark glower and undid his cuffs with a hiss. He tossed them to the floor and turned to Diego, placing the gun on the counter, "I can drink when I want, I _will_ drink where I want, and you can’t stop me." 

Patch crossed her arms, "I can have them lock you up again." 

Five snorted with disbelief and then vanished with a pop. 

Patch stared at the empty space, shocked. 

Diego sighed, "Yeah, he does that a lot."

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is here: https://ford-ye-fiji.tumblr.com/


End file.
